i was told late in 2008 that many who spend time with me develop the feeling that i am one of their very best friends. this was not precisely a compliment. it was, rather, a gentle warning about the harm that can arise from unmanaged expectations.
initially, i questioned the accuracy of this warning. ultimately though, i acknowledged that my efforts to be a good and kind listener have backfired in one or more instances. I must have signaled a personal intimacy greater than that which could actually develop under the circumstances. it was painful for me to recognize this. i have made such a conscious effort over the years to provide an empathetic ear and comforting shoulder to friends in need, no doubt in response to my own long-held wish for the same.
since my teens, i have found an approximation of that refuge in journaling. there are a more than a handful of bound paper journals tucked haphazardly into “safe places” in my home. this might seem impersonal in comparison to a real life friendship, but on the upside, the imaginary listener in my journals has NEVER failed to live up to my expectations.
Of course, in the back of my head while filling these pages i have often wondered: WHO am i writing to?
“dear diary” never worked for me; I have always been sure that i haven’t been writing only to bound paper. my audience is more animated. she has, in fact, developed into a thoughtful listener, level-headed and empathetic. Not surprisingly, she exemplifies the friend i TRY to be when approached by my own friends for comfort or counsel.
i have decided to write in this blog for a while, rather than on bound paper. in setting up the blog, i decided that my imaginary listener needs a name. I have named her “lizzie.”
ultimately, i might give lizzie a voice. you might see her comment now and then. but no expectations please! lizzie and I hate to disappoint.